Conflicting Feelings


Broken Heart

 

At times I have conflicting feelings, especially when it comes to my family. Coming from a family filled with pain and drama, I reached my “enough is enough” point pretty early in life. I reached this point in my early teens, and then put my foot down completely in my early 20’s. It goes without saying that we all make mistakes, we’re all imperfect. But when you continue to go through life drowning in the same cycle of dysfunction, I cannot and will not be apart of that.

I love my family from a distance, and it’s a necessity that I do so in order to stop that cycle of dysfunction from continuing in my life. This meant distancing myself from my family in many ways and not looking back. Without divulging my families dirty laundry, I’ve found that it’s difficult to move forward with a clean slate if someone refuses to admit their wrongs and make changes in their behavior. Apologies come a dime a dozen. You have to show by your actions that you’re sorry or remorseful. I refuse to let anyone use me as a doormat by their poor treatment of me. Because of the stance I took I quickly became the black sheep of the family, a title I wear with pride to be honest.

The value I place on my own personal peace of mind is extremely high. Having peace within my own family with my husband and our four kids is also extremely important to me. Besides God, nothing else comes before my children and husband. What I regret is not having a great relationship with my family. I hate that we’re so dysfunctional still after all of these years. I hate that I’m not close to either of my parents in any shape or form. I hate that I’m not close to all of my siblings. I hate that because certain people refuse to be accountable for causing so much pain to our family, many are not able to move on with their lives in a healthy way.

This is where my conflicting feelings come into play. While I have these regrets, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I’ve made the right decision for ME. It doesn’t mean that I don’t still yearn for a close knit family, or for a close relationship with my parents. Those things will never happen, and I’ve accepted that fact many years ago. This is why I put all of my focus and energy into my own family, making sure that my kids have that close knit family with two parents that love them unconditionally and show it by words and actions. They have two parents that they can talk to about anything, that they can laugh and joke with and have fun with. My husband and I have gone above and beyond to provide a loving environment for our children and to be the best parents we can be to our children. This also includes me being the best wife I can be to my husband, and vice versa.

Despite it all I can’t help but to feel cheated. I feel cheated because I didn’t come from what I consider to be a normal, loving family. I know every family has their issues and suffer from some type of dysfunction, but I wouldn’t wish my families dysfunction on my worst enemy. It may sound harsh, but it’s true. It’s not something I spend a lot of time thinking about or dwelling on, but every so often certain things will remind me of what I missed out on. A commercial on television with a father and daughter or a mother and daughter sharing quality time together, or being out in public and seeing families together and happy. That’s when I feel that twinge of longing and regret. Then I look at my own family. I listen to my kids laughing and playing and how happy they are without a care in the world, and I’m reminded of how blessed I truly am. Why am I blessed? Because I broke that cycle of dysfunction. Then those conflicting feelings fade to black.

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